Why you can’t get to self love through self judgement

Why you can’t get to self love through self judgement

You can’t get to self love through self judgement. 

At some point, women decided that to love themselves, first, they need to fix themselves. 

I call bullshit! 
That’s not true! 

You can’t judge yourself, berate yourself, or hate yourself enough to come out the other side in love with yourself!

I know because I’ve tried. Have you ever tried it, too?

I spent years digging up all the limitations, beliefs, pain, and old stuff so that I could finally heal. And the shitty part is, that I kept finding more and more! It was a bottomless pit of crap that kept me stuck in the pattern of self judgment and nowhere near self love.

I’m not saying to stop all self development, healing or personal growth work altogether. There is a time and place for it and it’s incredibly useful and empowering. But not when it’s used in an addictive way to try and fix yourself because you believe you’re broken.

How do you know if you’re using personal development to actually slow yourself down? When you seek the lessons at all costs and you dig and dig through your shit hoping to release all of it and have that magical moment of transformation when everything feels ok and your life magically transforms.

I have been there, done that, and got the t-shirt. How about you? And, did it work? Did it change everything?

I’m willing to bet that no, it didn’t. In fact, it probably made you feel worse, more broken, and feeling like nothing will ever work for you. That’s how it made me feel. Certainly, it brought some progress, but definitely not the magic solution that fixed it all. 

 

The truth is, none of us are broken. We simply forget that we are whole and worthy because of our experiences in life. And we’re not meant to be perfect, we’re meant to be whole and the only way to get to wholeness is to remember it. You don’t have to earn it because you already have it and are it. 

And I’ve found that the fastest way to remember your wholeness is to love yourself more, not less. And the fastest path to self love is:

1. To allow yourself to screw up, 
2. To look for all the ways in which you’re already fabulous, amazing, enough, worthy, beautiful, smart, etc 
3. To build yourself up, not tear yourself down.
4. To use personal growth as a tool, not as a crutch.

How do you make the switch from judgment to self love? 

1. You choose to. 
2. You practice it every moment that you remember. 
3. And you let yourself off the hook when you forget.

And if you need help breaking the pattern of self judgment, then join my Unlock You workshop on January 22, 2018. It’s my gift to you. We use the power of hindsight to unravel self judgment and get closer to self love.

Kasia Rachfall is an intuitive coach, healer, and artist working with the Akashic Records to help spiritual women break generational patterns of feeling inherently broken so they can feel whole and have the freedom to accept their imperfect selves fully, at any age!

Grab Kasia's free audio course Feel Safe Feeling here to learn how to decode and release the difficult emotions that steal your joy, peace and happiness. It's a shitty day emergency kit for your emotional triggers.

You will never get to self love through self judgment and what to do instead.3 journal prompts to tap into the power of hindsight & unravel judgment

3 journal prompts to tap into the power of hindsight & unravel judgment. Kasia Rachfall, Intuitive Coach, Healer, Artist

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How to stop emotional venting

How to stop emotional venting

Oh, this was one of those conversations.

I was standing in line waiting to pay for my groceries listening to a stranger vent, completely incensed at something that had happened to her that day. She proceeded to tell me all about the dramas going on in people’s lives and how it’s the same as before, when so and so did this last time and… …

I was caught off guard about why she was telling me because the situation obviously had nothing to do with me. I was confused but I listened to her and waited to unload my groceries onto the conveyor belt. 

Have you ever been on the receiving end of a venting storm? Or perhaps you’ve been the one venting and you appreciated being heard, without the person trying to fix anything or solve their perception of your problem?

I’ve certainly done my share of venting and what helped me the most during those times was to be heard without anyone telling me how to see the world, change something, or give me other advice.

So I listened and held space for her.

As humans, we live dramatic lives. Something is always going on and it’s nice to know that we are supported and loved when we need to talk things through or vent. It’s natural to let off steam.

But there’s a danger in venting if we’re not careful. It can keep us hostage to our past and prevent old wounds from healing. It’s very easy to get caught in the trap of holding onto the drama and venting to everyone who will listen.

It’s also easy to get wrapped up in the gossip and react with our own drama.

How do we know when we’re simply processing the events of the day and need to be heard or if we’re stuck in the turmoil that keeps us chained to the past and our wounds wide open?

Awareness, truth, and focus are important shifts that help us heal faster. 

Shift 1: Being aware of our intentions behind why we want to share information with another person is key. Getting wrapped up in drama and focusing on what’s wrong with the world or with people is a bottomless pit. And it’s a great distraction from our own pain.

This doesn’t mean we don’t stay informed or that we don’t care about others, it means we pay attention to the influence that information is having on our lives. 

Is it making us feel empowered and capable of creating change or adding value to the world?

OR

Is it keeping us stuck in an ongoing cycle of negative emotions, ruminating on the past, and feeling bad about ourselves and what we can’t do? 

Shift 2: The only way we can know for sure is by telling ourselves the truth. The brutal, honest truth about ourselves, our emotions, and our intentions. 

Having a friend or partner to share our emotions with is healthy and allows us to process our stuff. However, focusing on only talking about the drama over and over and resurrecting old stories of past drama keeps us hostage. I used to get caught up in this hamster wheel all the time. It helped me feel heard but it also distracted me from making any real change in my life.

The truth is, we can’t be angry, sad, or sick enough to make anyone else happy.

And by staying stuck in drama and emotional turmoil by venting and ruminating can keep us sad, angry, and feeling helpless.

Helpless to do anything about the state of the world today and helpless about our own healing journey.

Caring about others, wanting to create positive change in the world, and healing our own past won’t happen when we feel helpless and overwhelmed. It absolutely can happen when we focus on what we can change and control, and that’s only ourselves and how we feel. 

How can you feel empowered and make progress through the inevitable drama and emotional turmoil of life and minimize venting?

Pay attention to your intention behind sharing the stories you share with others. 

Be honest with yourself when you answer these questions:

  • What do you pay attention to around you?
  • Where are you finding yourself wrapped up in the drama and turmoil that you then disseminate and ruminate on?
  • Where do you allow others to bring drama into your life and influence how you feel not only about the world but also about yourself?
  • Does sharing this information help you feel empowered? Or do you share it because it helps you feel right? Justified? Superior? Safer? Etc?

Shift 3: Creating a safe place to vent with boundaries. This means having a friend or loved one who will hear you out without co-ruminating because a big part of healing is letting ourselves off the hook for not being perfect. We all get wrapped up in drama and turmoil sometimes and it’s great to be able to share our emotions with someone. Life continues to move forward and bring more opportunities to notice how we truly feel and having a person who hears us out will allow us to process what’s inside us without getting stuck. 

My truth for a very long time was that I wanted to show how right I was all the time.

This helped me feel important and that I mattered in the world. Until I became aware of the impact of this on my mindset, my ability to feel happy and joyful in my life and my progress in healing my past. I decided to change and no longer participate in sharing drama in every conversation I had.

If there was something I needed to vent about or talk through, I would only do so with one or two people who I trusted would hear me without indulging the negativity, enabling my disempowerment or co-ruminating with me.

When we become mindful of our energy and of what we focus on, we make progress in our own healing journey. This is because when we focus on what truly empowers us, helps us feel happier and more in control of our own life, we stop opening our old wounds and adding fuel to our negative emotions and.

It doesn’t mean we don’t process those negative emotions that reside inside us, it means we do the necessary work to heal when we’re ready, and then we shift our focus to what brings us more joy, more happiness, and more peace. 

When you take care of your own energy, you become more discerning of what you focus on. When you first start doing this it can feel very hard because it’s a conscious choice to talk about other things than the go-to drama and turmoil. It can feel hard to find different common topics of conversation because gossip and drama are everywhere. It’s what our entertainment industry thrives on.

You might notice that people will not be comfortable with your shifts in conversation. You may even lose some people who aren’t ready for this shift in their own life. However, you will find and attract others who value their own energy and who want to have different conversations.

How to approach the change?

One way to approach the change is to tell your friends and loved ones that you’re focusing on minimizing the drama in your own life and you now choose not to gossip. At least not gossip about the same story more than once. Find someone you trust who you can vent to, and ask them to hold the space for you to get your emotions out, and then move to a different topic.

  1. Be mindful of where your own attention goes.
  2. Tell yourself the truth.
  3. Have a safe space to vent without getting stuck in the negativity. 

This isn’t about changing anything cold turkey. Slow and consistent is best because then the change actually sticks.

What’s more important to you? Your own energy and emotional freedom or current events and popular conversation? If you’re not sure how to begin releasing your negative emotions, grab my free audio course Feel Safe Feeling here. 

Kasia Rachfall is an intuitive coach, healer, and artist working with the Akashic Records to help spiritual women break generational patterns of feeling inherently broken so they can feel whole and have the freedom to accept their imperfect selves fully, at any age!

Grab Kasia's free audio course Feel Safe Feeling here to learn how to decode and release the difficult emotions that steal your joy, peace and happiness. It's a shitty day emergency kit for your emotional triggers.