Getting Real about Coaching and Healing Work

Getting Real about Coaching and Healing Work

I seldom rant. How about you?

But recently I decided to get real about a topic that I’m super passionate about. And I got real on video!

I was pretty passionate and spoke with…I’ll call it…emphasis and I’m certain a ruffled a bunch of feathers.

Would you call that a rant?

I see ranting more as bitching or complaining about something. I spoke about what it really takes to heal. I wasn’t complaining, in fact, I was calling out the complainers.

Yep, I did!

And I had a bit of a vulnerability hangover after. If you don’t know what that is, read my post here.

What brought this on?

I got sick of hearing brilliant, intelligent, ambitious women putting themselves down, believing they don’t have what it takes to be successful or even be happier, and choosing to stay stuck.

Because it’s a choice. That probably sounds really harsh, stay with me.

When we experience shit in our life, and we all do, our first coping mechanism is typically stuffing down our emotions and just trying to make it through. Eventually, we become aware that we want to stop feeling the pain of those hard circumstances and we decide to look for something that will help us.

Or something that will save us.

Whether it’s a therapist, a book, a journal, meditation, a course, etc, we try to find a solution outside of ourselves that will help us feel better, release the shame, the disempowerment, the limitations, and the negative emotions we constantly live with.

The truth is, any solution that we find can only work if we choose to participate. And I mean really do the work, not just “try it and hope for the best.” Trying something leaves room for staying stuck when it gets hard. It’s a fierce commitment that’s truly necessary to transform and heal from our pain.

The tools we use along the way will work only as well as we decide to wield them because the real power of transformation lies inside us. Not outside us.

A solution women turn to is coaching and healing because it’s so much easier to go through that shit in our past with someone who can hold a loving space for us. But again, the power of transformation doesn’t like with the coach or healer. All they can do is shine a light on us, the rest is up to us.

And….the truth is, healing and coaching are not all rainbows and unicorns; it can be hard and it can feel like you’re slogging through a tar pit sometimes. And that’s because in order to get the transformation you want you have to retrain your body and your mind habits to focus your energy towards what you want. You have to be willing to look at your shadow and your shame. You have to be willing to answer hard questions you’ve never been asked before. You have to be willing to make different choices and decisions and have difficult conversations.

And not everyone is willing to do that. When it gets hard, it’s easier to say, “I tried, but it didn’t work. Oh well, poor me.”

It’s easier to complain because it helps us to justify why we’re stuck.

There is often secondary gain, meaning we get something out of staying stuck like sympathy, commiseration from others, the “right” to complain, asking for help from a hopeless place.

It’s also easier and feels safer and more comfortable to do the busy work instead of the important work that actually creates change.

I know because that used to be me!

Ever found yourself avoiding or telling yourself you don’t know? Or complaining to your friends that you can’t catch a break? And secretly hating and being jealous of those who appeared to have it all?

And feeling like you didn’t get the memo on how to create the success you want?

That definitely used to be me!

The thing is, the pain of what happened to us in life (or a past life) certainly hurts, but once we know we can change but don’t, it’s the pain of staying stuck that hurts more. Like I said, I lived this and I know all about this.

And I don’t know about you but I don’t like being stuck and knowing I can do something different. It’s my feisty side.

Which is why I decided to open up a conversation about what it really takes to heal and transform your life to have the time, money, relationships, confidence, self acceptance, all that yummy stuff!

Choosing to finally get past that thing in your past is going to require full participation. And there are some things you need to be prepared for if you’re serious about starting down this path.

 

Here they are in no particular order:

  • Know that it’s not always going to be easy and that to heal yourself from your past you will have to choose to keep going even when it gets hard and when you unearth truths you don’t like. And you’ll have to keep choosing and keeping going and going and going.
  • You get to choose and decide every moment to focus on what you want.  (there’s a lot of science behind this, check out Dr. Bruce Lipton’s work or the movie What The Bleep Do We Know?)
  • You must choose and decide some more and then choose and decide some more.
  • Definitely ask for help from a coach or healer and be willing to receive the help. Because they can help you, but you have to participate because no one can save you, only you can choose and decide to save yourself, one step at a time.
  • Remember that it takes a lot of energy to get moving in the direction you want to go, and once the momentum takes you and you fill up the hole of your emotional deficit, it gets easier.
  • You have to choose to commit to your transformation more than you are committed to your pain.
  • You choose and decide at every moment what you want to become more of your powerful self, your confident, whole, accepting self.

A great place to start any transformation and change is with a perspective shift. Get your free PDF guide on the 9 Perspective Secrets for Success and Inner Power. 

The path can be hard but it doesn’t have to be. You can enjoy the challenge and get excited about what is ahead for you: all the time, money, experiences, relationships, fulfillment, self confidence, self love, and meaning that you want.

Tell me, have you ever been afraid of what you’ll have to do in order to heal from your shit and live the life you want?

It’s a common fear but it doesn’t have to stop you. When you’re committed to your highest self you won’t mind the journey. So have the courage to begin.

Here’s the video I recorded so you can watch the full thing. I talk neuroscience and spirituality and everything in between. https://www.facebook.com/KasiaRachfallPage/videos/1319780204795104/ 

Kasia Rachfall is an intuitive breakthrough coach and healer working with the Akashic Records to help spiritual women break generational patterns of feeling inherently broken so they can feel whole and have the freedom to accept their imperfect selves fully.

Grab Kasia's free audio course Feel Safe Feeling here to learn how to decode and release the difficult emotions that steal your joy, peace and happiness. It's a shitty day emergency kit for your emotional triggers.

How to stop emotional venting

How to stop emotional venting

Oh, this was one of those conversations.

I was standing in line waiting to pay for my groceries listening to a stranger vent, completely incensed at something that had happened to her that day. She proceeded to tell me all about the dramas going on in people’s lives and how it’s the same as before, when so and so did this last time and… …

I was caught off guard about why she was telling me because the situation obviously had nothing to do with me. I was confused but I listened to her and waited to unload my groceries onto the conveyor belt. 

Have you ever been on the receiving end of a venting storm? Or perhaps you’ve been the one venting and you appreciated being heard, without the person trying to fix anything or solve their perception of your problem?

I’ve certainly done my share of venting and what helped me the most during those times was to be heard without anyone telling me how to see the world, change something, or give me other advice.

So I listened and held space for her.

As humans, we live dramatic lives. Something is always going on and it’s nice to know that we are supported and loved when we need to talk things through or vent. It’s natural to let off steam.

But there’s a danger in venting if we’re not careful. It can keep us hostage to our past and prevent old wounds from healing. It’s very easy to get caught in the trap of holding onto the drama and venting to everyone who will listen.

It’s also easy to get wrapped up in the gossip and react with our own drama.

How do we know when we’re simply processing the events of the day and need to be heard or if we’re stuck in the turmoil that keeps us chained to the past and our wounds wide open?

Awareness, truth, and focus are important shifts that help us heal faster. 

Shift 1: Being aware of our intentions behind why we want to share information with another person is key. Getting wrapped up in drama and focusing on what’s wrong with the world or with people is a bottomless pit. And it’s a great distraction from our own pain.

This doesn’t mean we don’t stay informed or that we don’t care about others, it means we pay attention to the influence that information is having on our lives. 

Is it making us feel empowered and capable of creating change or adding value to the world?

OR

Is it keeping us stuck in an ongoing cycle of negative emotions, ruminating on the past, and feeling bad about ourselves and what we can’t do? 

Shift 2: The only way we can know for sure is by telling ourselves the truth. The brutal, honest truth about ourselves, our emotions, and our intentions. 

Having a friend or partner to share our emotions with is healthy and allows us to process our stuff. However, focusing on only talking about the drama over and over and resurrecting old stories of past drama keeps us hostage. I used to get caught up in this hamster wheel all the time. It helped me feel heard but it also distracted me from making any real change in my life.

The truth is, we can’t be angry, sad, or sick enough to make anyone else happy.

And by staying stuck in drama and emotional turmoil by venting and ruminating can keep us sad, angry, and feeling helpless.

Helpless to do anything about the state of the world today and helpless about our own healing journey.

Caring about others, wanting to create positive change in the world, and healing our own past won’t happen when we feel helpless and overwhelmed. It absolutely can happen when we focus on what we can change and control, and that’s only ourselves and how we feel. 

How can you feel empowered and make progress through the inevitable drama and emotional turmoil of life and minimize venting?

Pay attention to your intention behind sharing the stories you share with others. 

Be honest with yourself when you answer these questions:

  • What do you pay attention to around you?
  • Where are you finding yourself wrapped up in the drama and turmoil that you then disseminate and ruminate on?
  • Where do you allow others to bring drama into your life and influence how you feel not only about the world but also about yourself?
  • Does sharing this information help you feel empowered? Or do you share it because it helps you feel right? Justified? Superior? Safer? Etc?

Shift 3: Creating a safe place to vent with boundaries. This means having a friend or loved one who will hear you out without co-ruminating because a big part of healing is letting ourselves off the hook for not being perfect. We all get wrapped up in drama and turmoil sometimes and it’s great to be able to share our emotions with someone. Life continues to move forward and bring more opportunities to notice how we truly feel and having a person who hears us out will allow us to process what’s inside us without getting stuck. 

My truth for a very long time was that I wanted to show how right I was all the time.

This helped me feel important and that I mattered in the world. Until I became aware of the impact of this on my mindset, my ability to feel happy and joyful in my life and my progress in healing my past. I decided to change and no longer participate in sharing drama in every conversation I had.

If there was something I needed to vent about or talk through, I would only do so with one or two people who I trusted would hear me without indulging the negativity, enabling my disempowerment or co-ruminating with me.

When we become mindful of our energy and of what we focus on, we make progress in our own healing journey. This is because when we focus on what truly empowers us, helps us feel happier and more in control of our own life, we stop opening our old wounds and adding fuel to our negative emotions and.

It doesn’t mean we don’t process those negative emotions that reside inside us, it means we do the necessary work to heal when we’re ready, and then we shift our focus to what brings us more joy, more happiness, and more peace. 

When you take care of your own energy, you become more discerning of what you focus on. When you first start doing this it can feel very hard because it’s a conscious choice to talk about other things than the go-to drama and turmoil. It can feel hard to find different common topics of conversation because gossip and drama are everywhere. It’s what our entertainment industry thrives on.

You might notice that people will not be comfortable with your shifts in conversation. You may even lose some people who aren’t ready for this shift in their own life. However, you will find and attract others who value their own energy and who want to have different conversations.

How to approach the change?

One way to approach the change is to tell your friends and loved ones that you’re focusing on minimizing the drama in your own life and you now choose not to gossip. At least not gossip about the same story more than once. Find someone you trust who you can vent to, and ask them to hold the space for you to get your emotions out, and then move to a different topic.

  1. Be mindful of where your own attention goes.
  2. Tell yourself the truth.
  3. Have a safe space to vent without getting stuck in the negativity. 

This isn’t about changing anything cold turkey. Slow and consistent is best because then the change actually sticks.

What’s more important to you? Your own energy and emotional freedom or current events and popular conversation? If you’re not sure how to begin releasing your negative emotions, grab my free audio course Feel Safe Feeling here. 

Kasia Rachfall is an intuitive breakthrough coach and healer working with the Akashic Records to help spiritual women break generational patterns of feeling inherently broken so they can feel whole and have the freedom to accept their imperfect selves fully.

Grab Kasia's free audio course Feel Safe Feeling here to learn how to decode and release the difficult emotions that steal your joy, peace and happiness. It's a shitty day emergency kit for your emotional triggers.

Healing needs your participation

Healing needs your participation

It hit me like a ton of bricks in the middle of the sidewalk…I finally understood why I hadn’t really healed from the past and why I wasn’t making the type of progress that I knew was possible.

I had been walking downtown to meet my girlfriend for coffee and ruminating, yet again, on how unfair my life was:

I tried so hard,

I worked on myself,

I asked questions,

I freaking journaled and meditated. So what the hell!?

Why was my past dragging behind me like a ball and chain?

I knew progress in healing was achievable because I’d seen that progress in my client’s lives, I’d read about it in my self-help books, and I’d heard about it from other participants in the courses I took.

But I hadn’t seen it in my own life. And up to that moment, I couldn’t figure out why!!

I had the opposite of progress. I was grumpy and sad all the time. I freaked out at my kids. I didn’t really have friends.

I felt that all I had were a lot of old stories of hurt, struggle and suffering. Like the time my husband and I lost everything because of a business investment. Or the time my dad abandoned our family. Or the time my family moved in the middle of high school and I had to leave all my friends behind. My list was long.

So many of us have long lists of examples of what can and has gone wrong. Our old stories hold us back because they provide conclusive evidence of things not working out, of failure, of falling down and then getting hurt more in our childhood, our relationships, and our work.

What is it that allows some people to move forward while others stay stuck in the pain?

Then it hit me! I stopped walking and stood on the sidewalk, dumbfounded, with my epiphany hanging like a lightbulb over my head. It felt like one of those stereotypical cartoon moments.

The truth was I was stuck because I hadn’t been participating in my own healing journey. I had been the passenger but not the driver.

I was hoping that the next thing I tried would fix me, would give me that elating experience of becoming one with everything so that all my problems and hurts would disappear. I tried all kinds of things, yes, but didn’t really expect any of it to work because I was looking for a feeling.

When we don’t participate in our own healing, we don’t really get the progress we crave. We hope and we try different things. We continue to seek that magic pill, the thing that will make the difference and finally give us that breakthrough.

The biggest problem with this approach is that the magic pill doesn’t exist. Certainly there are many wonderful and powerful healing modalities out there but they only work if we do. This means these tools only work if we use them for what they’re intended – and none of them are intended to fix us.

That’s right!

I had been looking for something to fix me and when it didn’t feel like I was getting fixed, I looked for the next thing.

My epiphany gave me the understanding that we’re not broken, to begin with. Life experiences help us forget that we are whole and worthy.

I thought that if I truly believed I was whole and worthy I would feel delicious and blissed out, and I would never again have to feel pain, hurt, or the myriad of other negative emotions that plagued me constantly. I thought I would know that I had been fixed because it would be this beautiful, mind-blowing, spiritual experience.

So I didn’t heal because I thought healing had to feel a certain way. And when I didn’t experience that feeling, I didn’t participate further.

The thing is, healing is not a feeling. It doesn’t have to be hard work. It’s a way of being and showing up in our life. And it requires our full participation.

When I started participating in my own healing journey, my progress skyrocketed.

I was able to forgive myself and others.

I was no longer afraid of my negative emotions because I knew how to release them.

I did feel happier and more positive more often.

Things in my relationships and my work started falling together.

So, what did participation look like for me?

I stopped trying all kinds of different things to heal and focused on what really worked for the stage of healing that I was at. I also shifted my expectations and looked for the right types of evidence in my life. That was only the beginning.

If you’re ready to get unstuck from your past and really start participating in your own healing journey, you can begin by answering these powerful questions:

How are you making yourself wrong on your healing journey?

What evidence are you looking for?

What do you expect healing to feel like?

How will you know when you are completely free of your past and fully healed?

Knowing these answers will begin to give you a baseline for what your beliefs about healing are. This is an important awareness to have because when the student is ready the teacher appears.

To help manage and release the negative emotions that are such an intimate part of a healing journey, I have created the Feel Safe Feeling Experience. It’s a free audio course about how to feel emotions to release them from our physical and energetic body. You can grab it here.

Kasia Rachfall is an intuitive breakthrough coach and healer working with the Akashic Records to help spiritual women break generational patterns of feeling inherently broken so they can feel whole and have the freedom to accept their imperfect selves fully.

Grab Kasia's free audio course Feel Safe Feeling here to learn how to decode and release the difficult emotions that steal your joy, peace and happiness. It's a shitty day emergency kit for your emotional triggers.